Heart Goes On
by Glee Klaine Fanboy
Summary: Major Character Death established. Michael and Justin must move forward without the man who has been their anchor. Michael may discover that he can love again, and Justin might not hate the older man as much as previously thought. Very slow build Justin/Michael
1. Chapter 1

**Heart Goes On**

Pairing: Justin/Michael

Warning: Not a very happy fic at first. Will be happier later.

Reviews will motivate me to continue.

ooOoo

**One**

**Justin**

The world felt darker, colder. Justin stood in the loft's kitchen, drumming his fingers against the counter, surprised by how quiet and still it was.

The silence felt wrong. How could anything in his world ever be right again?

The kitchen might have been just the same, but the whole place felt empty now. He was really gone.

Justin hadn't wanted to believe it when Michael had called him.

"Justin, I'm sorry."

Michael had sounded distraught. Justin had known something was wrong immediately.

"Michael?"

"Justin... he's gone."

Michael hadn't even needed to clarify. The brokeness in his voice said it all. Justin's world had immediately shattered. Brian was gone. Dead.

How it had happened couldn't have been guessed at by any of them. It was all so sudden, and that was the horribleness of it. Brian Kinney taken out in a blaze of glory.

He and Michael had been clubbing at Babylon. Some guy had been hitting on Brian all night, but he kept shrugging off his advances. Finally he had enough and told Michael he wanted to go.

Brian and Justin had been on the rocks in the weeks leading up to that night. The older man still hadn't been ready for the commitment Justin wanted. Finally Justin had angrily told him to forget it, and to go sleep around with all of Liberty Avenue if he wanted.

That's how it had ended between them. Justin angry, ignoring Brian, sleeping on the couch. He'd hardly looked at the older man when he came home at night.

Apparently he and Michael had left Babylon that night. Michael said Brian had been joking and laughing just like his old self, when suddenly a gunshot rang out.

Brian Kinney had fallen to the pavement after laughing at his last joke. It turned out to be the man who had stalked him all night. The police later identified him.

It was all so cruel, so sudden. Justin had never apologized for his harsh words. He'd never spoken, never told Brian goodbye that evening. Now he never would.

Brian had loved him after all. He'd maken sure he'd be taken care of. Justin got the loft and most of his savings. He didn't want to run Kinnetic, so he sold out and got that too.

Things had changed. Michael had shown up later that night. They'd ran into one another's arms, broken and sobbing for the man they'd both lost.

It had been a few weeks since the funeral. Justin still thought about Brian all the time, especially at times like this, when the loft was quiet.

He needed someone to detract from the emptiness and lonliness. Over the past weeks that someone had been Michael. Michael understood what he was feeling, maybe more than any of the others did.

Justin unlocked his iphone with his finger. He kept the older man on speed dial these days. He hadn't really talked to anyone else. Deb kept pestering him to come have dinner with her, but he kept putting her off.

He listened to the ringing. Please pick up...


	2. Chapter 2

**Two**

**Michael**

Justin went to answer the knock. He swung open the loft door, eying Michael with a small smile.

"You could just come right in you know."

Michael gave a little smile back, stepping past Justin into the familiar surroundings. The loft felt so different without Brian. He wasn't sure he'd ever adjust to it, but he'd already been over to comfort Justin several times.

Even though so many of Brian's things were still there it hardly felt like his best friend's place without him.

Michael had learned a lot about Justin in the past weeks. The younger man had opened up to him, and he'd discovered some things they shared in common.

They had both spent a lot of time hankering after the late, great Brian Kinney's affections. They had both loved the man even knowing he would never return that love.

Justin had walked to the ice box while Michael was in his thoughts. The older man accepted the cold beer from him gratefully.

Michael popped the top, letting the alcohol course down his throat as he eyed the younger man. Something had changed between them. Brian was like a kind of glue that held them together now.

Michael realized what it was. Justin was his friend. He'd rarely felt that emotion for the boy in the past.

"Ma worries about you," Michael told him seriously. "You should go see her some time."

"I will," Justin assured him. "I love your mom too Michael, its just not easy. Nothing is."

"I know," Michael said sympathetically, eyes gentle. "I understand exactly how you feel."

Michael realized again how true those words were. He did understand. It was possible only he and Justin really understood one another right now.

"Its funny Mikey," Justin spoke. "I know you do understand me. I haven't really told you that I'm sorry."

"You don't have to Justin."

"I know," Justin nodded. "I want to. You didn't deserve some of the things I've said to you. I can't believe I was actually jealous of your friendship with him."

Michael sighed.

"Justin I know how our friendship appeared to outsiders. I don't blame you for assuming. Truth is I kinda was hoping Brian would wake up one day and see that he loved me."

"I think he did love you," Justin said ernestly. "Brian had a hard time showing love or admitting to it. Doesn't mean it wasn't there."

Michael wasn't sure he agreed with that. Brian had sent out plenty of mixed signals to him over the years regarding any feelings of love. Brian didn't believe in love, or so he'd always claimed.

Maybe Justin had been able to see things about Brian no one else could. Perhaps that was why Brian had asked him to stay.

Michael remembered back to something years earlier. Brian had asked him to stay. He'd said no because he couldn't do one-sided love with Brian's tricking on the side.

Now that Michael thought about it maybe Justin's love for Brian had been stronger than his after all. Justin knew it was one-sided. He knew Brian wouldn't stop tricking. Yet Justin stayed anyway.

"I really miss him sometimes Michael," the younger man cut into his thoughts. "I keep calling you over because I can't stand the silence. This place isn't the same."

Michael pulled the younger man into a supportive hug.

"Its okay Justin," he told him gently. "I want to be here."

Justin pulled back from the hug and grinned at the idea that popped into his head. Brian wouldn't want them to spend all their time together sulking over him.

"You wanna watch a movie? I can order Chinese or something."

"That'd be cool," Michael smiled. "I never thought you'd ask."

Justin paid for the takeout of course. He'd inherited a considerable fortune from Brian.

He and Michael sat on the couch watching Star Wars Episode V. Michael was a big Star Wars fan, and Justin wanted to make him happy.

Michael still looked like an adorable geek, the way his eyes lit up with fascination at the light saber scenes.

Justin felt something unexplainable for the older man. Maybe he was starting to see what Brian had seen in Michael.

Maybe he didn't hate the older man as much as he'd tried to convince himself before.


	3. Chapter 3

**Three**

**Michael**

Michael didn't get home until a little after midnight. Justin had tried to talk him into staying over at the loft, but he had to get home to Hunter and JR.

Hunter was still awake, sitting on the living room couch.

"Where you been?"

"Justin's," Michael replied.

"You two spend a lot of time together lately," Hunter said observantly.

Michael wasn't sure if the younger man meant that in a good or bad way. Hunter's emotions were hard to read sometimes.

Like Michael, the younger man had found all of this an adjustment. Hunter had liked Brian. Figures Ben wasn't around for either of them to confide in, Michael thought with a rush of anger and resentment.

His husband had left for Tibet a few months ago. Where did that leave their marriage exactly? Ben hadn't exactly made it apparent, but something in Michael knew it was over.

Ben had told him in a good too many words how tired he was of life here, tired of teaching, tired of trying to figure out Hunter. Most of all, that he was tired of feeling like there was no spark in their marriage anymore.

"Ben you can't leave."

The words rushed back with bitterness. They'd been standing in the apartment's little kitchen.

"Michael what would I really be staying for?"

The look on Ben's face had been sad.

"I love... "

"Michael," Ben had said, shaking his head. "I know you say that. When's the last time we really had fun in one another's presence? When's the last time we slept together?"

Michael couldn't argue with that. He hadn't been paying much attention to Ben. He'd been busy with the comic store and Rage. When he did have time to himself it was spent with Brian at Woody's or Babylon.

"You still love him Michael. I tried to turn a blind eye to it, but I can't anymore. I'm not number one in your heart. I never have been, have I?"

Ben had been right of course. Brian had always remained number one in Michael's heart, except now his best friend was gone. All Michael had left was Hunter and JR.

When his eyes fell on Hunter he felt slightly guilty. He should be spending more time with him and Jenny. He knew Hunter didn't mind watching JR for him, but he was a father.

"What's on your mind?" Hunter asked him.

"Just that I need to spend more time with you and JR," Michael admitted.

"Its okay," Hunter told him. "I know you're a mess from everything. I still can't believe he left us."

Michael nodded, knowing Hunter meant Ben.

"You'll always care about me right?" the younger man asked him, face nervous.

"Of course I will," Michael said with a small smile. "How can you doubt that Hunter?

"Everything that's happened," Hunter whispered. "That's all."

Michael walked over to the couch and took a seat next to him. Hunter's arms found their way around him in an embrace.

"I'll always care Hunter," Michael told him softly. "You're still like my son. There's always a place here for you."

He meant it. He felt closer to Hunter than ever since he'd lost Ben and Brian.

"Well I don't mind watching JR," Hunter said. "I want you to know that. I know that you need this time to heal too. Believe it or not watching her helps. It keeps my mind occupied."

"Thank you Hunter."

Michael hadn't lost everything. Life was still worth living. He still had a lot. He had Hunter and his daughter Jenny, his world. She was growing up.

His heart clenched a little as he thought of Brian's son Gus. Gus was growing up.

He decided he'd go over to Lindsey's tomorrow to see him. Maybe he'd even bring Jenny. They were a few years apart, but Gus loved her as though they were actually cousins.

He needed to go see his mother too. They'd only seen each other once since the funeral.

Michael supposed he'd have to face his life and everyone in it without Brian sooner or later.


	4. Chapter 4

**Four**

**Justin**

Justin wasn't too quick to approach the front door. He knew Deb would get after him about staying away so long.

He gave a little smile, knowing that she'd still understand ultimately. He finally gathered the courage to knock.

The door swung open and sure enough Deb was scowling.

"Decided to finally come see me ya little piece of shit."

She smiled a little though, and he knew she meant it good-naturedly. He held the older woman in his arms. She was so much like a second mother to all of them.

"Well come in Sunshine. Have you had a good breakfast yet?"

"I had cereal," he shrugged.

"Not good enough," she muttered.

He followed her to the kitchen, knowing better than to argue with her mothering.

She took out a frying pan and a pack of sausage, eying him.

"I swear you boys," she commented. "Don't you ever eat anything that'll stick to ya?"

"That's your job to cook it for us," Justin smirked.

Deb scowled, but decided not to reply to that. Soon the sausages were sizzling away. She kept talking as she tended them with a fork.

"Just in time Sunshine. I was gonna have breakfast myself. Carl's already at work."

"I'm sorry for staying away," Justin told her. "Its just been hard."

She eyed him sympathetically.

"Yeah I know it is honey. Its hard for me too. Brian was like my second son. He spent so much time with Michael in this house when they were younger. I see him everywhere."

Deb wiped at her eyes a little with her hand and forced a laugh.

"Seems like so long ago," she went on.

The kitchen was smelling incredible with the cooking sausage. Justin's stomach gave a rumble. Deb was right. He should eat more.

She emptied the sausage patties from the pan onto a plate and grabbed the eggs out of the ice box after turning the burner down. She began cracking them.

"I can't imagine how my son's taking this. He never really talks to me about anything anymore Justin."

She whipped the eggs and poured the batter into the pan, being sure to stir them with a spatula.

"Michael will be alright Deb," Justin told her. "He's strong. You know that."

Deb smiled a little and nodded. Yeah, she knew.

"You see him?" she asked, still stirring the scrambled eggs.

"He was over last night actually. He's the one that suggested I should come see you."

"Imagine that," she laughed ironically. "He should take his own advice."

Deb had divided the eggs. She handed Justin his plate and they took a seat at the small table, just big enough for two.

Justin stabbed into his sausage, using his fork to cut it.

"Well I'm sure he means to come see you," he assured her. "He's just taking it hard too. I gotta tell you Deb, he's really been there for me."

"Well that's Michael," she said softly. "He's always there. I just wish more people were there for him."

"I'm there for him," Justin remarked.

She looked at him searchingly for a few moments. She could see it. Justin was being sincere.

"I'm glad somebody is kiddo. You know I worry about Michael. I wonder if he's ever going to find real love. If anyone deserves it he does."

Justin felt a rush of emotion at her words for some reason.

"Yeah he does," Justin agreed. "He's a nice guy."

A nice guy? Justin wished he could stop his brain from going where it suddenly went. Michael was a nice guy. He was cute in his own way, and he briefly envisioned the two of them together.

Justin shook himself mentally. No way that would work.

"You okay Sunshine?" Deb asked him.

"Yeah, sorry. I was... thinking."

"About him?" she guessed.

He assumed she meant Brian. Well let her think that.

"Yeah that's all," Justin lied.

He was almost certain Debbie Novotny might not take so well to the brief flicker of desire he'd felt for her son.

Why had he even felt it? He and Michael were friends. They watched movies together, ate Chinese takeout, laughed at each other's jokes. There was nothing more to it than that.

Justin told himself that he was just lonely without Brian, that was all. His brain was just interpreting Michael's friendship the wrong way. Right?


	5. Chapter 5

**Five**

**Michael**

Michael locked up his comic book store for the day. It was only 4:30. He was leaving earlier and earlier these days.

There was a good reason for that. He didn't like being alone in there most of the day, surrounded by all those comics. They really made him think of Brian.

Comic reading was something the two of them had always done together when they were teenagers.

He should probably go see his mother, but no, he really just wanted to be alone. He didn't want to hear her griping or fawning over him about something.

He'd planned to take Jenny to see Gus. The thought of Brian's little boy brought that resolve back. That's exactly what he was going to do.

He stopped at the Big Q to pick out a gift, something the boy would like. Gus liked action figures, so Michael got him a green Power Ranger.

He really didn't feel like running home to get Jenny. Hunter wouldn't mind babysitting a little longer.

He caught the city bus to the other end of town. The stop was about two blocks from Melanie and Lindsey's.

As he walked he thought about Brian again. Brian always going to visit Gus. It was surprising how kids can take these things better than adults sometimes.

Gus hadn't really understood what death was, but one day he'd understand that he didn't have his father anymore. That day didn't have to be today, Michael thought. Today he was going to put a smile on the boy's face.

He walked up the drive, knocking at the door, clutching the shopping bag between his fingers.

It was Lindsey who answered.

"Well hello Michael," she greeted with a smile. "What's the occasion?"

"Gus here? I have something for the little guy."

"Yeah he's in the living room," she replied, motioning for him to follow.

Gus was watching cartoons. Something about the boy's face did appear more serious though. Serious for someone so young.

"Hey kiddo," Michael greeted.

Gus spun around.

"Uncle Mikey!" the boy exclaimed, running to him. "Didja bring me somethin? Didja?"

"You caught me," Michael grinned at the boy.

He pulled the Power Ranger out of the bag. The boy's face lit up immediately.

"Yes!" he enthused, grabbing it from Michael immediately. "I don't have this one yet."

Lindsey watched this exchange with bright eyes.

"That was so thoughtful of you," she told Michael, turning to Gus. "Gus what do you tell Uncle Michael?"

"Thank you... "

"You're welcome little man," Michael beamed at him.

Michael followed Lindsey a few paces away, just out of Gus's earshot.

"How's he doing Linds?" he whispered.

"Oh he's fine considering. He's really too young. He just knows daddy went away somewhere."

"That's right!" Gus butted in, inquisitive as ever. "Daddy went to heaven right mommy? Except the angels are gonna bring him back, I hope..."

The boy's face fell a little.

"It'll be awhile sweetie," she said softly.

"Daddy's gonna be gone a long time isn't he?"

The boy's face crumpled and Michael bent down, wrapping his arms around the small form instinctively.

"I want daddy Bri to come back Uncle Mikey."

"I know," Michael said heavily, shushing him. "It'll be okay Gus. What do you think daddy Bri would think about your Power Ranger?"

Gus smiled a little, eyes still watery.

"I think he'd love it. Because daddy likes action figures too."

The moment had passed. Gus seemed at ease, playing with his new toy.

"You're so good with kids Michael."

"Thanks Lindsey," he said with a small smile.

"How are you holding up?"

"I miss him a lot Linds. Justin's been helping me through it."

She eyed him a little skeptically.

"Really Michael? Justin?"

"Yeah I know," Michael smirked. "You thought he hated me right? Believe me, no one's more surprised than I am."

Yet Michael couldn't deny Justin was becoming more constant in his life. He was ok with that. Except that he found himself thinking how attractive the blond boy was.

He'd always thought Justin had a nice body. Who wouldn't? Yet it ran deeper than that. For all his good looks, Michael had never thought about him that way until lately.

He knew this was just a passing thing. Justin wouldn't want him. Why would he want a guy over ten years older than he was? Michael wasn't Brian after all. He wasn't good looking.


	6. Chapter 6

**Six**

**Justin**

The loft was as lonely as ever with Brian gone. Justin had come back from Deb's around noon.

He put on a movie and lay down on the couch. Soon he was drifting in and out of sleep. His dozing went on for about two hours.

Justin often slept on the couch now. The big bed was just too much. It felt empty. He couldn't help envisioning Brian next to him in it. He had honestly tried to sleep in it, but found himself doing things like reaching out for a hand that wasn't there.

After his nap the loft was still just as silent and lonely as before. It only seemed happy again when someone else was in it with him. Michael.

Justin felt a tug at his heart again, but that must just be lonliness. Michael made him happy because he took the lonliness away. He was a friend.

Justin needed a friend right now. He'd found himself doing this more often lately. It was becoming several nights a week. He pressed the speed dial for Michael's phone.

"Hey what's up," Michael greeted him.

"Nothing, just feeling lonely again."

"Do you want me to come over?" Michael asked, voice concerned.

"If it wouldn't bother you," Justin replied. "I'm sorry Michael. I'm sure you have other things... "

"Its okay Sunshine," the older man's voice cut him off. "I want to be there. That's what friends do right?"

Yeah, Michael was right. Still, Justin knew the older man had a family and a life at home.

"What if I came by your place tonight instead?" Justin asked.

"Well that'd be fine," Michael replied. "See you when?"

"About half an hour."

They said their goodbyes. Justin needed to change clothes. His brain, the part that wanted to impress Michael told him to wear something nice.

ooOoo

Justin had settled on a pair of tight-fitting jeans and a white t-shirt. The shirt had actually been Brian's. He knew he'd look good to anybody right now, but Michael wasn't just anybody.

With that thought in mind he knocked at the apartment door. It was Hunter who greeted him.

"Hi Justin. Michael's in the kitchen. Hope you haven't eaten."

"No I haven't," Justin smiled, quirking an eyebrow. "Why?"

He stepped past Hunter, taking a seat on the couch. Michael was up to something, smelled good.

Hunter gave Justin another glance before heading off to the kitchen. Justin caught sight of JR giving him a little smile, and he smiled back.

"Hi precious," he said to her. "How are you?"

She grinned, but kept playing with her toys. She could be shy sometimes.

Michael came into the living room wearing a brown t-shirt and a pair of jeans. Usual for him.

"Glad you made it," he told Justin with a grin. "I actually managed not to burn dinner. Hunter's just putting the finishes touches on it."

"That was nice Michael," Justin said with a little smile. "You didn't have to cook for me."

"I wanted to."

Michael's eyes held his for a moment, and Justin felt that rush of feeling again. He opened his lips to say something, but nothing would come.

Luckily Hunter saved him. The sound of a pan clattering against the floor was heard.

"I better go check on that," Michael remarked, stepping away again.

Justin couldn't believe himself. What was wrong with him? Yet it was Michael's gaze that had held him this time. He commanded himself to stop it.

The older man was soon back with a smile.

"Crisis averted. It was just an empty pan. I think that one cabinet door needs fixing."

"Cool," Justin smiled. "Glad it wasn't our dinner. Smells good."

"I cooked steaks."

Justin was actually impressed. Steak sounded perfect. He was pretty hungry seeing as he'd skipped lunch. Deb had tried to get him to stick around, but he didn't want to wear out his welcome.

"I saw your mom today," Justin told Michael, following the line of thought.

"Oh yeah? How was she?"

"She's fine," Justin said. "You should probably go see her."

"Yeah I know you're right. I'm not a very good son sometimes."

"Don't be silly Michael," Justin chided. "You're a great son, or I'm sure Deb thinks so."

"I love my mom Justin. Its just she's honestly a lot to deal with sometimes. Her personality gets even me."

Hunter came walking from the kitchen suddenly.

"Well everything's ready. I think maybe I want to go see Deb. I can take JR. Wouldn't you two like some time alone?"

Michael looked at him.

"Hunter you don't have to do that."

"No its okay," Hunter said. "I really do want to see Deb and Carl. She probably wants to see Jenny too."

Michael hadn't even thought of that. God he felt so selfish.

"Yeah," he whispered. "Take her."

It took Hunter about five minutes to grab JR and head out. Justin had a curious look on his face.

"Wonder why he wanted us to be alone?" Justin asked.

"Search me," Michael replied. "Hunter will be Hunter I guess. He really looks out for me though. Its been great having him since Ben left. Honestly Justin, I was so scared he'd leave too."

"Nah, he'd never do that. Hunter does care about you. You know he does."

"I care about him," Michael said. "Its funny how he just came into my life. Funny how everyone comes."

Justin felt something in those words. Was Michael thinking of Brian now? He wondered how the two of them had met.

"How did you meet Brian?"

Michael looked a little surprised by the question.

"Well," he began carefully. "It happened when I was in high school. I was the nerdy kid everybody pushed around. One day Brian showed up and told everyone to stop. They did."

Michael looked a little caught up in the memory, his expression distant now. Justin wondered what parts of his ex Michael had gotten to see over the years that he never had.

"Brian had this way about him Justin," Michael went on, still in the memory. "You know that though. He could get people to do things. He told them to stop teasing me, and they all did. They could tell he meant business."

"They knew he was gay?" Justin asked.

"Oh yeah," Michael nodded, giving a little smirk. "He never hid it. People knew better than to tease him for it either."

Justin knew everyone around Pittsburgh thought of Michael as something like Brian's sidekick. Apparently all their old school friends had never forgotten it.

"Well how about those steaks huh?" Michael asked him.

Justin nodded, following him to the kitchen. Now it was curiosity that had him. What of Brian had only Michael gotten to see? He knew Brian had actually loved Michael too.

What about him? Was he developing feelings for Michael? The thought both excited Justin and made him anxious.


	7. Chapter 7

**Seven **

**Michael**

They'd decided to eat in the living room, as the small kitchen really wasn't convenient.

Michael sat in his armchair, stabbing at his baked potato. There really wasn't much to be said.

What could he say? Justin's mere presence made him feel something he shouldn't. Everytime the boy looked at him it deepened that feeling.

"Its really good Michael," Justin complimented him.

"Thanks," Michael replied. "I'm glad you came over."

He really was glad. Anxious, but still glad. Justin gave him a smile.

"I like spending time with you."

That smile, those eyes, and that voice went right to him. Michael had to tell himself that Justin didn't mean it that way.

"What are you thinking?" Justin asked with a questioning look. "You look nervous."

"I'm fine."

It was a lie. Michael knew it.

"You don't look fine," the younger man went on.

Michael didn't answer. He swallowed a little. Justin set his plate aside and stood up.

"Michael?"

"Really Sunshine, I'm fine okay? Just a bit of indigestion."

Justin seemed to buy it, sitting back down. They went back to finishing their meal in silence.

After that they watched a little TV, but Michael didn't move to the couch to sit by Justin. He wasn't sure he could be that close without stepping out of line.

Michael could tell the younger man sensed his anxiety, and maybe even wanted to say something, but he respected his wishes.

"I think I should go," Justin said finally, standing up and stretching.

Michael watched the white t-shirt stretch, getting a nice eyeful of Justin's stomach and treasure trail.

"You're sure you'll be fine?" Justin asked.

"I'm sure," Michael replied, managing a smile. "Goodnight Sunshine."

"Night."

Michael watched the younger man leave, his thoughts shooting in a hundred directions immediately.

Should he stop hanging out with Justin like this? Did they need time apart? No that wasn't what he actually wanted.

He tried to figure out what exactly he did want, but his brain kept returning to only one answer. Justin.

That's what he wanted, to run his hands down those arms, feel that toned stomach beneath his fingers, claim those inviting lips.

He hardly realized his gaze was still on the front door until it opened again, and Hunter nearly made him jump out of his skin.

"You okay?" the boy asked him.

"Yeah great. How was ma?"

"She was fine," Hunter said, rocking a sleeping JR in his arms. "You should really go see her. She's starting to think you don't like her anymore or something."

Michael felt guilt at the words. That was the last thing he'd ever want his mother to think. She'd always been there for him and supported him, even if she was overbearing sometimes.

"You're right," he told Hunter. "I'll go see her tomorrow."

Justin wasn't foremost in Michael's mind now. He couldn't shake his mother's face from his mind's eye. What kind of selfish son was he?

He'd resolved not to isolate her like this more times than he could count, yet here he was doing it again. She was the last person in his life who deserved it.

"You're not okay Michael," Hunter spoke suddenly. "I've noticed. You were funny around Justin tonight too."

"What do you mean?" Michael asked, voice a little nervous.

"Oh come on," Hunter snorted. "I gave you two time alone because I thought one of you would have the guts to sort things out."

Michael laughed a little, reminding himself that he and Justin were only friends.

"What exactly are we sorting out Hunter?"

"You know what," Hunter told him. "The fact that you have feelings for him."

"Now Hunter, that's a little silly."

"Is it?" Hunter asked. "I see the way you look at him."

Michael's face fell a little.

"He reminds me of Brian okay?"

"Well that's okay," Hunter assured him. "Just don't use Brian as your reason not to explore anything you might feel. You know he wouldn't want that."

Michael knew Hunter was right. Brian would probably tell him to go after what he wanted, even if it was Justin. To stop beating around the bush and do something about it.

Michael wasn't ready. Maybe that was something his mother could advise him about. Could he really tell her the feelings he was having for Justin though?

He knew she'd probably tell him this was a bad idea, as though he could help it. He'd tried fighting it, but so far it was doing no good. It almost felt like more than just feelings.

ooOoo

Michael got himself up at 7:30 the next morning. His resolve to visit his mom was as strong as ever. He recalled what Hunter had said, that she was starting to think he didn't care.

He put on the pair of jeans from last night, and threw a yellow t-shirt over it. After freshening up in front of the bathroom mirror he was ready.

He was about to face his mother. It was now or never.

ooOoo

It was a short walk from the bus stop to his childhood home. He could probably have walked it blindfolded. Sometimes he missed being here, in the old neighborhood, in his old house.

He didn't have to walk to the door. His mom was coming up the drive with a letter in hand to mail off. Her eyes caught him, expression becoming livid.

"I'm sorry ma," Michael said. "I can explain."

"Yeah I'm sure," she snorted. "Give me some lame excuse for why you don't have time to come visit your old mother."

"Ma I really am sorry," Michael insisted.

Her expression softed a little at the repentant look on his face.

"Aw hell," she muttered softly. "I can't stay mad at you, ya little shit."

He smiled a little and stepped forward, hugging her close. He really was glad to see her.

"Well have you eaten?" she asked him.

"You don't have to ma."

"Oh stop Michael," she said with a grin. "You're the one person I'd always want to cook for."

He followed her into the familiar house, every inch a shadow of his past life. Being here also made him think of Brian.

"Guess Carl's already gone to work huh?" he asked.

"Yeah he goes in early these days," she replied. "He still won't let me take back my old job at the diner. I miss it sometimes."

"I'd rather you didn't honestly," Michael admitted. "You know I worried about you going to work there everyday."

"I know you did," she nodded. "And you're right. Carl's right. I should take it easy after all these years I suppose. I worked hard raising you, taking care of Vic. I miss him so much sometimes Michael."

Michael nodded, understanding completely. Hardly a day went by he didn't think of his uncle. Uncle Vic had always been good to him.

"Well come on," she said. "Let's eat."

Soon she was doing what she loved best. Michael watched her flip the pancake cooking away in the hot grease.

"I know how you love your flap jacks Michael," she smiled at him.

"Thank you," he smiled back. "I want you to know I do care. You're my mom."

Her smile widened and her eyes became a little watery.

"That's all I wanted to hear Michael. I have Carl now, but you'll always be my heart, ya know? You were all I had for years. You and Vic."

Michael still couldn't help feeling he wasn't entirely absolved of his guilt, but it wouldn't do any good to brood over it now. He resolved to see her more in the future.

"I wanted to talk to you about something," he said suddenly.

"Sure honey. Shoot."

"What would you say if I said I think I might like someone?"

She eyed him a little concernedly.

"Are you sure Michael? Really sure?"

"Yeah," he whispered.

She remained silent, biting at her bottom lip a little.

"I'd say you should be absolutely sure," she said finally. "You loved Brian for all these years. We both know you did. I mean you loved Ben too, but even Brian saw the way you still looked at him I think."

"I always wanted it to be him ma," Michael said sadly. "Then one day I had to wake up and realize he just didn't return my feelings."

"Or maybe he did," she countered. "He just didn't know how to show it."

"I think he loved Justin."

She actually nodded at that thougtfully, removing the last pancake from the grease.

"I think Brian loved Justin too. Not like he did you though Michael. That's not to say he loved one of you more or less. It was different for each of you. Love always is."

Michael nodded and accepted his plate from her, knowing by heart where the syrup was. Here they were, eating together at the small table, just like when he was younger.

"Who's this person you have feelings for anyway?" Deb asked.

"You sure you want to know?"

"Now what kind of question is that! Of course I do."

"Trust me," Michael told her. "I'm not sure you do."

"Is it someone I know?" she asked. "Ted?"

Michael looked at her like she was crazy.

"Christ no!"

Deb laughed a little.

"Alright, just teasin. Emmett?"

"Really ma," Michael snorted.

"Well who's that leave? You're not gonna tell me its Justin."

Michael remained silent, expression saying he was caught.

"Michael Charles Novotny! Your silence better mean something else. You do not like Justin."

"Maybe I do," Michael shrugged.

"Michael he's so young. You said it yourself when you used to get onto Brian for leading him on."

"Because Brian was leading him on," he pointed out. "I don't really know. We've been spending a lot of time together. At first I thought it was just friends. Except we keep seeing each other. Its almost every day."

Debbie shook her head in slight disbelief.

"Michael honey, I'm sure that's all it is. Justin can't. I just can't see... "

"You're right ma."

He left it at that. Really what had he expected from her? Brian was right. Michael would have to handle things himself. If he wanted something take it.

Maybe it was time for him to start going after what he wanted in life. Brian wouldn't want him to mourn him forever, or Justin either for that matter.

That's all they'd both been doing, hanging onto Brian's memory and clinging to each other like two lost children in the dark. Time to turn on the light, to lay everything out in the open.

The ball would be in Justin's court after that. Michael needed to figure out how to do this carefully. He was willing to take a chance.

Was Justin willing to take a chance on him?


	8. Chapter 8

**Eight**

**Justin**

The elevator screeched to a halt at the top floor, the very top. Justin stepped onto the landing, finding a nice surprise at his front door, a bundle of red roses and a card.

Who would send him flowers? Justin carefully picked them up. They were beautiful. He read the card.

_**Your hair is like buttercups**_

_**Lips like these red roses**_

_**Even a rose dipped in blood is still a rose**_

_**You can be my rose, when you're ready**_

Who could have sent him these? The card was anonymous.

He stepped into the loft, filling up one of Brian's collector vases with water, sticking them in it. They really were beautiful and red like blood.

He honestly couldn't place who might send them. He'd just gotten back from eating at the diner with Ted and Emmett. They still ate there sometimes.

Justin was finding himself being more social again. He should go see the girls and Gus soon.

ooOoo

Justin was wakened from his nap on the couch by a knock at the metal door.

He yawned a little and went to get it. Standing there was a delivery guy holding a gigantic heart-shaped box of chocolates.

"These are for you. You'd be Justin Taylor?"

"Yes thank you," he said, accepting the box. "Who sent them?"

"Anonymous," the delivery man replied. "Whoever it is most really like you. That's our biggest and most expensive assortment."

Justin watched the guy go. Whoever sent these must really like him. He tried to think about who it might be, but his mind could only draw one conclusion. Yet that was impossible.

ooOoo

Justin had been invited to Michael's for dinner again, so here he was sitting on the couch in his apartment's living room. Michael was actually sitting next to him today at the couch's other end.

Justin kept eying him, wondering if it could be. Finally Michael looked away from the TV and caught one of his looks.

"Something wrong Justin?" he asked casually.

"No, not really."

He willed himself to focus on the TV, but it didn't really interest him. Someone had sent him those flowers and chocolates. It couldn't have been Michael though.

"Michael," he said suddenly. "Am I a rose?"

He tried to catch any change in expression that might come over the older man's face, but Michael remained as composed as ever.

"What are you talking about Justin?"

"Someone sent me a bunch of flowers and chocolates today."

Michael's facial expression still didn't change. Did his eyes become a little distant, or were Justin's own eyes decieving him?

"Well seems you've been picked up on somebody's radar screen Sunshine."

The older man smiled a little. Justin felt something at the smile, but no, his admirer obviously wasn't Michael.

"Isn't me," Hunter joked from his spot in the armchair.

"I wouldn't be interested anyway," Justin gave him a grin.

Hunter gave him a smirk, facial expression almost knowing.

"Who would you be interested in Justin? Anyone I know?"

Justin felt nervous at the slightly younger man's inquisitive eyes. Did Hunter suspect his feelings for Michael?

"I'm not sure what you mean," Justin hedged. "I'm really not interested in anyone in particular."

"In particular," Hunter pressed knowingly.

"Alright Hunter," Michael cut in. "Stop being a pest."

Hunter grinned.

"Its what I do best."

Their Chinese finally arrived. Hunter said he was going to eat it in his room. He wanted to get some stuff done.

Michael was casual the whole rest of the evening. There was none of the usual awkwardness. He laughed at the funny stuff on TV, and even snuggled closer to Justin.

"Right here," Michael grinned, pointing at the TV. "Watch."

He burst into laughter moments later. Justin felt his heart rush with emotion. Michael's laugh was great too. Everything about him was. The older man could be surprisingly adorable.

"I think I need to head," Justin said, standing suddenly.

"Why you okay?" Michael asked.

"Yeah," Justin nodded. "I was planning on cleaning the loft some. Maybe redecorating a little."

"Call me when you're done. I'd like to see it."

Justin smiled a little. He could just tell Michael later he'd changed his mind. He really needed to put some distance between them right now, or he'd end up initiating something Michael wouldn't want.

They shared a seemingly nothing other than friendly hug. Justin felt so right, so secure in those strong arms. He inhaled Michael's cologne. His body ached for more when they pulled apart.

"See you," Michael said with a smile.

Justin nodded and made his way out of the apartment, picking up the pace like a bat out of hell. What was wrong with him? Michael only wanted a friend. Of course he hadn't sent those flowers.

Still to be held in those arms all the time, safe in Michael's embrace. Michael was very safe and very caring.

ooOoo

If Justin thought the heat was off he was wrong. He'd jumped straight into the fire. Debbie was pacing in front of the loft door when he exited the elevator.

He could tell she was livid about something.

"There you are," she exclaimed. "Where the hell ya been?"

"Michael's."

"Yeah that figures," she nodded. "I need to talk to you about something. Carl dropped me off."

"Sure, come in."

Justin unlocked the door and she followed him into the familiar surroundings. Brian's loft, but no Brian.

"It looks almost exactly the same," Deb whispered.

"I don't really want to change anything," Justin explained.

"Oh honey, you can't do that to yourself. You need to rearrange a little when you lose somebody."

Her gaze held his. What exactly was she here to discuss? She didn't seem eager to cut to the chase, and that wasn't like her.

"Want something to drink Deb?"

"I'll take somethin. Whatever ya got."

Justin handed her a Diet Coke before popping one open for himself. Debbie sipped at her drink, expression still anxious, but she wasn't saying.

"Brian really cared about you," she said finally, voice a little off. "He left you almost everything."

"He left Michael a considerable amount too," Justin pointed out. "I'd say we're both about set, but of course Michael would want to keep working. He's like Brian, likes to stay busy."

Debbie went silent again. Justin had to think about it before speaking again.

"You didn't come here to discuss Brian."

"No I really didn't," Deb agreed. "I just don't quite know the words. I think my son likes you."

Justin felt a flutter of nerves, and no he did not want to have this discussion with Michael's mother, but he knew resistence would be futile.

"Why would you think that?" he asked, voice nervous.

"Oh come on Sunshine. You must know. You two have been practically tied at the hip since Brian passed. Can you tell me you don't feel anything?"

Justin's expression became thoughtful.

"No," he said quietly. "I think I do."

"Is it love? Do you love him?"

He felt like his heart just missed a few beats.

"Could be," he admitted. "I don't think Michael feels the same way though."

Debbie was silent again. She seemed to be considering. Was there something she wasn't telling him?

"Justin," she spoke a little heavily. "What if I said he did? What if I told you he told me?"

Justin's chest just literally tightened. Could it be true? It was his turn to be stunned into silence.

"Justin?"

He moved his lips, trying to find the words to say what he wanted to say.

"Then I'd want to," he managed.

"Does he know honey?"

Deb placed a supportive hand on his shoulder.

"You know Michael would understand."

"I know," Justin managed, nodding. "I thought it might have been him who sent me the flowers."

Her eyes moved to the roses on the counter.

"Was there a card?" she asked.

He walked over to the counter, opening one of the drawers. She took it, recognizing the hand-writting.

"Well honey, it was definitely him. That's his scrawl. I'd know it like my own."

"He told me he didn't," Justin shook his head.

"He probably wanted you to piece it together," Deb pointed out. "You know how he is."

Justin's heart was a rush of emotions. Michael had sent the flowers and the chocolates. Michael did feel the same way.

It was Deb's next words that really got him.

"Don't wait Justin. You never know with love. Michael loved Brian all these years, but one day it was too late."

"How can I Deb?" Justin asked, tears beginning in his eyes. "It wouldn't be right. Brian loved me, loved Michael. How can I love his best friend?"

"Brian wouldn't want you to do this to yourself honey. I know that much. He wouldn't want you to do it to Michael either. Brian knew he couldn't love Michael the way he deserved, that's why he told him to go to David and Ben."

"You're telling me Brian would want me to go to Michael?" Justin asked in disbelief.

"Sunshine I know you don't want to hear this. I'm not going to sugar coat anything because Brian wouldn't want me to. He admired honesty, even if it hurts. You could wait one-hundred years wondering about the ifs. He's still gone Justin."

Justin inhaled heavily, nodding. It was painful, almost like facing it all over again. She was right though.

"I know you're right," he told her, wiping at his eyes.

"Aw come ere," Deb embraced him. "Its alright honey. I care about both of you. If I didn't think you deserved a shot at happiness I wouldn't be here."

"I know, thanks Deb."

She smiled at him.

"Anytime kiddo."

She had something else to say. He remained silent, waiting to hear it.

"Truth is, I want to see Michael happy while I'm still around. I'm not young anymore. All his life I've watched him try to find his happiness, but when he thinks he has, something snatches it away. I want my son to be happy."

"I'll make him happy Deb. I'll try."

"I know you will Justin."

She hugged him again and made her way out, giving him a last smile of encouragement.

It was all up to him. Deb was right. Brian would want he and Michael to be happy.

It was up to him to go claim his happiness.


	9. Chapter 9

**Nine**

**Justin**

Everything Deb had said was still at the forefront of his mind. Don't wait forever. Justin knocked at the apartment door. He'd just been here hardly an hour ago. What would Michael say?

It wouldn't be long in finding out. The door opened and the older man greeted him with a curious look.

"Justin?" he asked. "Did you forget something?"

"No," Justin shook his head. "I need to talk. There's a few things I really need to say."

Michael nodded and Justin followed him into the living room. The TV was off and the lights down low. It was almost perfect.

"Look Michael, I really don't know how to say this. There are things I feel for you."

Michael's expression became nervous. He didn't say anything.

"I know you sent the flowers. Why did you?"

"Because Justin," Michael whispered. "I must be out of my mind."

"Why would you think that?" Justin asked softly.

"Because I'm too old for you."

Justin found it ironic that was the same words Brian had given him a few years ago. The older man's back was turned to him now. Justin wasn't going to let that fly like he had with Brian though.

"Bullshit Michael," Justin told him. "You know that isn't the reason."

Michael turned to him, eyes wide and a little sad. Justin stepped forward, hardly knowing why he was doing it. He placed a hand on Michael's arm gently.

"Michael listen to me okay? We can't keep doing this."

"I know," the older man sighed. "Its just that I'm a little afraid Justin. Brian was the first love of my life, and it never went anywhere. David was my second, and I really didn't love him. I thought I loved Ben, but he left me."

Justin felt a rush of sympathy at Michael's sad expression and defeated voice.

"I'm not any of them," Justin told him. "I know what its like to love."

"You don't know what you're doing Justin."

Justin's hand moved to his cheek, thumbing the soft skin gently.

"I know exactly what I'm doing. I know that I want you. I've never been more sure of anything. We can keep coming up with a hundred reasons of why we shouldn't, or we can admit that one reason we should, and that's that I love you."

He moved forward to prove his point, capturing the older man's lips with feeling, conveying that this was what he wanted.

Michael let out a little moan and moved his lips. His hands moved up to Justin's shoulders, then his face.

Justin let his lips part, exhaling into Michael's mouth, letting their tongues move to the beat of their hearts.

"Wow you actually do," Michael whispered against his lips.

"I do Michael."

They slowly pulled apart. Michael's eyes were soft, going right to Justin in a way he couldn't explain.

The older man gave a little smile.

"I love you too," Michael whispered.

They were kissing again. Nothing mattered. This was right. This wasn't like anyone else, or even like Brian. Justin knew without a doubt that Michael loved him, that he returned his desire with equal want.

This was what he'd been waiting for all his life. He'd been through a lot to get to this point. Michael loved him, and Justin loved him back.

ooOoo

Not sure if I'll follow this up or not. Reviews appreciated.


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